mouse.

She’s not like that now. She knows better . She knows now that people lie , and promises can be broken as quick as they are made . She understands that she might never be loved , and too quickly good things fly in front of your eyes before you can reach out and grab them . She knows that you can’t change or help time, so every now and then it will just run out. There isn’t a place for everyone in the world, so if you’re standing alone for awhile, that’s why. Not everything in life comes easy , but when you work the hardest, that’s when it’s the best . You can’t always expect people to care, and even when your best friends stab you in the front, don’t think for one minute that they didn’t already aim for your back. They missed for a reason. She has found out to soon, that in the end, you are your own best friend . Everyone will be broken at some point in their life and more often than not , its gonna hurt like hell . But you can’t stop it. You can’t change your fate. Some things are meant to be and all the pain you go through will end up resulting in something huge . You don’t know what it is and when it happens, it will hit you like a ton of bricks. At some point, when you have experienced everything you can, the words ‘Life’ and ‘Risk’ won’t mean anything to you anymore. But don’t try and change that. Stuff like that is meant to happen. Overtime, certain things no longer have an affect on you . And that happens because that’s the way it supposed to be . But you’ll learn all that later in life when little things like a sunrise or a spring rain start to matter. But it might catch you off guard and happen sooner.

You were it, my first love, I think the closest I’ve ever come. We weren’t perfect for each other, we were exact opposites, and we fought constantly. But you made me so insanely happy, and vice versa. I know I did, from your smile down to your demands for hugs in the morning. We didn’t last long. I got too close and you took off, taking my heart with you.

I spent months trying to recover, trying desperately to recover. At first, falling in love with you, it felt like I was drowning, but the water was warm so it almost felt luxurious, enjoyable, like moving through warm honey. But then, you left, and it was like the water turned to ice and lungs started to jam up and I couldn’t breathe. I was struggling, kicking, failing to get to the top, because my heart felt dead. My limbs felt frozen in place, and I have no clue how I reached the surface. But I did, and the first breath I took was so painful, and the second, and the third. Eventually, I could hold myself up but I was still shivering for a while, even after I dragged myself out of that water. I spent 6 months, trying desperately to pull myself up, I was frozen all over.

Though you’re on the other side of the world, you keep coming back, keep torturing me, keep winding me up. Making me relive this drowning process constantly, you dip me back into the warmth with your promises of how you miss me, with your drunken messages claiming to regret it all, telling me that you know how sad I am right now and it’s killing you, that you regret hurting me, and leaving me alone here. But you just throw me back into the ice, with your claims of it was a intoxicated mistake, and your messaging of other girls telling them how much you miss them, I realise I’m really nothing to you.

I realise I can’t pretend that I mean anything to you anymore, it’s been too long, it’s one and a half years now. You’re back soon and I can’t see you because I’ll be back to square one. You can’t keep screwing me with. It’s killing you? What do you think it has been doing to me? You can’t keep doing this to me, you can’t keep expecting me to bounce back from every single time you screw with my head. Yes you left me alone. I got up, but I’m still lonely. And once you’re done with this, you’re going to leave me alone all over again. And I’m going to have to sit and pick up the pieces, though I don’t even know if I have the energy to do it this time.

I can’t keep drowning for you.

Dear Future You,

Hold on. Please.

Love,

Me.


Dear Current You,

I’m holding on. But it hurts.

Love,

Me.


Dear Past You,

I held on. Thank you.

Love,

Me.